Reflections of the past as we enter 2020

As the new year begins, I find myself reflecting back to other New Years and the feeling of something great is going to be happening this year. I have this feeling every January 1st but as I start thinking back “were all my years good years?” They must have been because that excitement and hope does not go away as I enter a new year! This year is the same: It is going to be an amazing year and I am so excited to live it!

My sister sent me a gift this Christmas that was unexpected but so wonderful. She has a great way of reminding me that I am amazing and have done amazing things without me making excuses. She sent me a small bag that says “I am proud of who I am because I fought to become her”. I loved this saying the minute I saw it but had to really decide if it was true; was I proud of who I am because I fought to be who I am? I don’t always feel like I fought to be where I am at when I look at my life as a whole but when I start looking at little instances here and there I realize that “HELL YES” I fought to be here and I am proud of myself for getting me here.

I know this is probably expected – to be humble about your past, but I do forget some of the challenges I was faced with as a young women and I look at my 23 year old daughter and think “I am so glad she does not have other things to worry about”. I had her to worry about when I was her age and that is where the fight came in to be the person I am now.

Here is a speech that I wrote for my fellow co-workers as part of our leadership training.  The theme for the meeting was “what was your biggest regret”. I decided to take a small but very significant time in my life to write about this.

Regrets or Blessings in Disguise

Hello fellow toastmasters,

Thank you all for taking the time to hear my speech today.  

At the age of 19 I was pregnant by someone that I knew would not be apart of my child’s life, and I felt this regret for the child I was carrying as well as the intimidating lifestyle that I saw other single parents live.

For those that don’t know me, my name is Julie Elliott and I am a UX researcher, but most importantly I am a mother to a wonderfully independent 22 year old daughter.  This child of mine taught me many lessons, the top being outspoken and to never settle for anything less than we deserve.

These lessons all began on March 5th of 1997, the day my daughter was born.  The minute the nurse put her in my arms my life changed forever and I knew that I would be able to conquer anything that stood in our way.  The unconditional love I had for my baby girl planted a power inside of me that I did not realize I had – my fierce independence and the need to prove I could do anything I set out to do.

This independence was tested many times in the last 22 years but the very first memory I have of standing up and being truly independent was when my daughter was 1 year old.  Her father wanted to take her to his moms and I did not want her to go. He was doing drugs and it scared me so I said no. I knew by saying no I was going to be punished but I had to hold my ground because I did not want my daughter hurt.  I was punished and I was hurt but he did not take her nor did he hurt her. At this point I knew it was time I held my head a little higher, took him to court so he could never hurt me or my daughter again and got full custody with supervised visitations. This turned out to be the best thing, even if at the time it seemed so sad, because my daughter didn’t have to live in fear growing up in her own home.

The second memory of gaining independence was when my daughter was 3.  We were constantly being stalked by her father and I knew we needed to leave our home town.  I chose a place I knew he would never find us. An island in the middle of the pacific ocean.  I was always afraid of flying, I was scared to leave my support network but I was not going to live in fear or raise my daughter to be fearful so we got on that plane and headed to Maui.

This independence continued as I made decisions to better her life as well as my own.  I worked full time to provide for my child, then while working I decided I needed to get my college degree so I started school full time.  For three years I drank, ate, and slept work and school, and my daughters activities. When I finally received my bachelor’s degree I realized that I could really do anything that I set my mind too.  I had dropped out of high school when I was 16 and I got pregnant; I figured education was off the table. I proved myself wrong and successfully graduated, and was hired at place that allowed me to earn an income that was comfortable for myself and my daughter.

This independence that my daughter brought out in me comes up all that time in my life and on days like today when I am looking back at my accomplishments, I think about what I thought was my biggest regret and how that actually turned into my greatest gift.

Regret has always been an interesting emotion for me because any situation that I think I will regret later, turns out to be a life lesson that I grow from.  I don’t regret bringing my amazing child into this world, I see it as a blessing! It is the pain of watching her navigate life without a father to love her unconditionally that makes me feel helpless.  I understand that, this helplessness and NOT regret, is what contributed to me becoming fiercely independent, so I could show my daughter she is capable to do anything she chooses to do.  

I truly believe that my one time biggest regret is actually a blessing in disguise and the reason I stand before all of you today!